Day 5:

I didn't dream of you, I didn't wake up thinking about you. Then about 2 minutes later I realized I hadn't thought about you.... I was so tired I barely had time to think about going to work yet I still had you in my head. 

People at work keep telling me to stop listening to the radio. All the songs just make me feel sick to my stomach. The one song about how a person said they wouldn't contact their ex, but they couldn't help it, they needed them. Dang that one hit me hard 

I've spent all day prepping to see you tonight. Thinking so hard about everything. Micromanaging how I'm going to act....I'm terrified 

I keep imagining us sitting side by side and you grabbing my hand or something. I know that won't happen, it's too soon. We both need time to heal, but I'm scared I'll scar... You were always the healing hand on my side. 

I thought I was doing okay. Then I realized in less than one hour I see you. I had another anxiety attack. I'm trying not to think about you, but I can't remember the lady time my anxiety was THIS high 

My emotions are so so so out of control. Like up and down. One second I think there's hope for us. The next I genuinely think you hate me. 

You put your arm around me. The highlight of my week. Absolutely I thought I was going to die I stopped breathing 

Damn it...your laugh....your voice...you. You're killing me here. Why are you killing me??? Why can't we figure something out? Do you want things to work? I don't even know anymore. I'm so lost Bae, I'm so lost and I just want you. 

Stop it. Stop being amazing, stop being fantastic stop being everything I want. Stop putting me through so much pain. I just either want us together. Or for you to tell me you hate me. Stop leaving me in limbo 

Your smell. Why does your smell affect me? 

Driving home tonight. I lost it. I just lost it, crying and screaming, not a pretty sight. But you darling, oh you looked so amazing this evening. I wanted to compliment you so badly. But I knew it would be out of place 

Day 4:

It's 5:30am I bolted awake. I was having a dream about you and things were actually good between us. However it looked like I was going to lose you again. So I think waking up was my bodies way of keeping me from feeling that pain again. Although now I have to try to sleep yet again with you on my mind.

Now that I'm actually awake you're still the focus of my life. We broke up and we need space. But every single day I think about you more then anything else. I need to learn to love myself I need to work on things by myself. Yet I always have you in my mind. How can I work on things when you won't leave me alone?

Did you love me? If you truly loved me I must've failed you so horribly to cause all of this to happen... But I don't doubt that you love me. That's the scariest part, that despite being in love. I managed to screw up enough times in large enough ways that caused us to break up. 

I've come to realize I am the teenage embodiment of my father. He treats my mother exactly how I treated you. I admire that man so much and my mother often talks highly of him and how sweet he is. However seeing how he talked to my Mom this evening I also understand how you would perceive me. You saw meaningless conversation, I saw meaningful conversation to try to get a feel for things, trying to actually make conversation. How in the world do I balance all of this? I don't even know what I'm saying anymore 

Absolutely everything related back to you still. Even the smallest of things remind me of you. You're somehow everywhere, there's always a way for a situation to remind me of you. 

I've come to realize my brain hasn't registered that we aren't dating. I still refer to you as my girlfriend. 

Someone just told me you're still into me.... Why do we have to be apart? How is this healthy? 

Yet I think maybe it's for the best. I think you're right, we need distance and space. But I can only pray the stars align and we can be together again. You noticing me in the first place was unpredictable, getting a second chance with you was astonishing. But now I think it would take divine intervention to allow us to be together again. 

Day 3:

Still woke up thinking of you. I wonder if you'll ever leave my mind. It's been running circles. Constantly thinking of you. Everything relates back to you. 

I texted you. Wondering if maybe that was a mistake. We need more time. But I'm afraid you want an indefinite amount of time 

I have to see you later today. I don't know if my hearts ready for this... 

I understand why you ended things. But I'm not sure I'm ready to accept it yet 

I'm still holding out that our decision was for the best, but it still feels so wrong on so many levels 

In the end...will I ever change anything? Could things go back? No wait. We don't want things to go back. You broke up with me for a reason. Could we grow together? Could we be together once more, move on from how things once were. Actually become a couple again?

It hasn't even been 100 hours since you ended things...yet somehow it feels like I've lived an eternity without you 

Was expecting to see you at youth. I rehearsed how I was going to act all day. I tried to make myself look nice and what not. You weren't there... I was so relieved... Disappointed I didn't see you. But relived I didn't have to act fake. 

Ah. I miss you 

I felt my phone go off and my heart skipped a beat. I knew it was you and I was eager to know why you were texting me... Turns out just another thing for you to be mad at me for. Just another reason for how I've failed 

I felt good and confident about myself today. I loved myself. If only you knew... I'm taking your advice. I'm listening to you.

Please come back to me 

I learnt today that you're mad at we broke up on your birthday. Not my choice. Not what I wanted 

Will you ever forgive me? 

Day two:

Today at 10:30 PM

Woke up thinking of you...

Pain in my chest still. hurts more than yesterday 

All my dreams are about you. All of them. And they all revolve around how I've failed you.
Even in my dreams I feel broken 

I was terrified of falling in love with you. I was so scared. But I got over my fears,
I wasn't going to let fear prevent an amazing relationship with you. But now all my
fears were justified. Now I'm equally as terrified about a life without you 

Feeling so nauseous today...every time I think of her I get dizzy and nauseous. 

I heard the weather was nice out today, so I went outside and sat down to try and enjoy the day.
 I noticed a ladybug walking up to me, with a laugh I said to myself "I may not have my beautiful
girlfriend anymore but at least I have beautiful weather and a beautiful ladybug to keep me company."
 Immediately after I said the ladybug flew away and a cold wind hit me. 

Note to self: the world doesn't want you to have anything beautiful anymore 

An acquaintance of mine just talked to me. His first question was about how you're doing.
I didn't have the heart to tell him we broke up. I don't want to tell anyone. This can't be my reality.
I still can't believe this has happened. 

I'm dying without you....but are you even thinking of me?

Lost in limbo if I should text you or not...we said maybe we'd talk today.
 But yet...it all feels so hopeless I don't even know if you want to talk to me.
 If I remember correctly you're really busy today. You don't have time to deal with me.
So should I text you or not?

In the end, I'm just another ex

In the end, I never really made a difference 

In the end, I'm a collection of memories waiting to be forgotten

Song on the radio today was from the mixtape I made you.
The song about how sometimes things don't make sense, yet they're meant to be.
Past few days haven't made sense and it DOESNT feel like it should be this way  

I feel like all of this is brand new to me. A shock, something devastating. And for you it's probably a relief.
The time you finally have without me. No longer shall I be a thorn in your side 

At work today, I had to give the cutest kid an ice cream cone. My first thought was that I should tell
you about him. I know how much you love kids and how excited you're to have children.
And now I can't even share this with you

Day 1: Poem

Found myself writing my feelings again in the form of a simple, confusing poem 

Spring is finally here 
We survived the cold dark winter 
Trees begin to bloom 
Finally life is around 

Yet I am a paradox 
I'm falling behind 
Feeling like a withered flower 
One that once was marvelled 

Now I've been thrown away 
Discarded to the side 
She looks for a new wonder 
Is she aware of how I've suffered? 

Now my soul is decomposing 
Emotions strewn all around 
Some don't belong here, 
Others are nowhere to be found 

Yet I'll crumble into the earth 
Becoming dust in the wind 
Maybe one day I'll grow again I'll form something new 

But my deepest fear now 
Is that I'll grow into a thorn 
No longer shall I be admired 
No longer will I be sought after 

I'll be avoided on sight 
Destroyed upon contact 
Never again to live in wonder 
Only now to live in sorrow

Or will I grow again into a flower? 
Could I take my place by her side again? 
Or am I doomed to never be the reason she smiles 
Will I only be a hindrance to her? 

Shall the future unfold how I've seen it? 
Am I truly destined for dust? 
What does my life hold? 
Will I ever know love again?

Day 1:

It's been 26 hours since we broke up... 
These are my feelings and emotions of day 1 without you:

I woke up today with a pain in my chest and thinking of you.... 
I'm realizing just how many things remind me of you 

Felt my phone go off, my heart leaped out of my chest when I thought maybe you texted me to say you were wrong, that maybe you were joking or prancing me. I was disappointed to find that I didn't have any texts. I imagined my phone going off 

I am shell shocked and in a state of disbelief. 

I started crying at work when a song on the radio reminded me of you...

Feeling disappointed that I could ever allow things between us to end 

Hollow. I feel hollow, I feel lost and confused

Beautiful night out. I walked outside and saw the sky was filled with stars. Out of habit, I started making triangles, just like the night I truly feel in love with  you. I went back inside because it hurts to look at the sky. 

I still have hope for a future. 

I'm sorry I failed you